Text Box: A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.' 

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!' 

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 

'About 5 minutes ago...' 
Text Box: A  circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good
looking, older retired Marine Drill Sergeant in his sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. 

The circus owner tells them, 'I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious
lion.  He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's
 your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. 
Who wants to try out first?'

The  girl says, 'I'll go first.'

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
 The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in
his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his
head at her feet. 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. 
He says, 'I've never seen a display like that in my life.' He then turns to the
retired Marine Drill Sergeant and asks, 'can you top that?' 
The tough old Jarhead replies, 'No problem, just get that darn lion out of the way!"
Text Box: Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was
 never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend
George the lifeguard for advice.
  'It's deem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a
pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized
potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye 'll have all
de babes ye wants !'
 The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his
 spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the  beach was disgusted as he walked by,
 covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
 Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him,
 'What's wrong now? '
 'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato
goes in the front!!'